nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
