even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
