you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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