ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
