I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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