I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
