If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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