Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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