How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
