every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
