i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
