ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
This house was built for laser tag.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
