The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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