just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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