Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
