I wish my penis had an off switch
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
