Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
