Umm I'm too high to move.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
