ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
