i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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