Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
