I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
sex in a hospital.. check
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
