She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The beer is more important than you right now.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
