I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
