Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
