I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
