i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
