Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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