why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The struggles of a small town man whore
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Terrible idea I love it
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize