i wish starbucks made bloody marys
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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