Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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