I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
