I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
