I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
