Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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