i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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