I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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