Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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