Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize