dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
how drunk are you?
Several
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
