Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
People in love make me want to vomit
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
