He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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