just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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