Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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