can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
