yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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