i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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