why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
