I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
