watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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