apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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