I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
