i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
