Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
