So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
People in love make me want to vomit
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
