Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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