Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
