please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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