Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Pants are for mortals
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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